Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
