I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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