Your mouth is God's brothel.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
