The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
