Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
