He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
