Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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