You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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