I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
