Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
