she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
