drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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