hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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