Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Someone came in the potted fern
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
