Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
