We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
