Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
