i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
