it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
