The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
