My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
