She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
