don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
