my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
