I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
