The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
