I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
