I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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