get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
