my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
