when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i just made my gag reflex go away.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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