Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
