I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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