Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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