every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
