Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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