Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
