Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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