Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We need to get me chipped asap
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
