not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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