your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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