Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
