If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
