Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
