Even water is tasting like jack daniels
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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