Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
