god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
