Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
