Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
