I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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