he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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