I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I use my feet as sexual weapons
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize