Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
