You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
