I cannot find my penis.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
