I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
