Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
