Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
