At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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