he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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