Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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