If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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